Torment

After 15 years of omitting sugar and baked goods, I have returned to them with abandon.  Nothing is off limits, and justifications abound: from sugar is better than sugar substitute chemicals, to the fact that I simply substituted other foods for the sugar and white flour I had eschewed, even to the fact that my husband seems to like my slightly pudgy bottom.  Excuses! Rationalizations.  I'm supposed to know better, to understand myself more deeply, if I am to counsel others.  And yet ...

I have discovered many things about myself during those 15 years.  And I continue to discover more and more each day, even when I falter.  For example, in trying to undo a binge last night, I had no breakfast this morning.  But by 11 o'clock, I was famished, ravenous, restless and fidgety with thoughts of food dancing in my head like rabid witches.  Finally, when I could withstand it no longer, I ran to the kitchen with a view to devouring anything in sight.  Somehow I managed to make myself a plate for lunch consisting of some brown and wild rice, some roasted lotus root with sessame seeds, half banana, a fresh pear and some sesame oil dressing, and proceeded to all but inhale it all in my rapturous state.  By the time I got to about the middle of my meal, I felt almost full, satisfied, calmer.  Is that possible? How did I manage that? It was all good, healthy food, and felt quite satisfying.  This is one more thing added to my arsenal of self-discoveries: that a modest-sized meal can be quite ample and satisfying, without resorting to binging and without the need for self-deprivation.

Would that I could keep these discoveries front and center!